Thoughts out of the blue!

There's this time in life when ur perfectly flowing thoughts r wavered, life takes a huge leap, things u actually think n plan n dream never come to life. Or even if they do, they fade away in a jiffy. The fading away is never taken in the right spirit, u get extremely involved n get used to it even if its for the moment.The thought of it fading away never strikes you.! Only when the cold wind hits u in the face during one of those walks, that u realise u've LOST it. It somehow never gets the better side of u. U think n think n think more, but never get to the end point. The "search" is an on going process. Once u start searching, you start to expect the unexpected. U know its not going to happen deep within u, but u want to continue doing it what so ever. Can thoughts be stopped for a while, n let the mind drop into reality?! This to me seems like a little child, hopping, singing, running down slides, swinging the swings.. looks around to show its mother its best trick on the slide, n finds that she's not around. The play was a fantasy when its dropped into reality its as lost as us. Its just matter of time that we get out of the fantasy world n jump into reality. This obviously sounds theoretical, n yes it is absolutely difficult to get into such a state of mind.! This brings my thoughts back to "search".... Does searching help ? well, this is how far I've come... gathering my thoughts, sights, dreams, introspecting..... NOPE "SEARCHING" does not help..! Sometimes u also have these preconceived notions about whats going to happen in future. In my case those aren't preconceived at all.! Well I've got no way to end my weird flow of thoughts. Life can be refered to epiphany, it does give u that jolt or a kick of reality when the fantasy goes over board.!

I like the feeling of like..!

I like the feeling of like...!

Me : Hey, I've gotton along with this amazing person. He's an awesome friend.

BFF : OH! like the one i had few months ago?

Me : nah..! My story is gonna be a little different.

I text n text n talk n talk every waking hour, everyday, day n night, when i m not at home, when i m at home, every break, every meal, till the sec i dooze off unconciously. No no, this is not love, not at this stage atleast. Even before i realized n got a hold of the stituation i was contradicting myself. We had lived years together in a matter of 45days. By the time our eyes wide opened to the reality, we were living a lifetime in that reality, building castles. It just seemed perfect!

Practical or emotional.... was the question. Mind n heart tend to colide when decissions like these have to be made n u see no other way. Being transparent was the only way out. Practically this seemed right, emotionally it didnt. Was it right? Was it wrong? or Were we acting too fast? Confusion didnt seem to give way to clear thinking! It was like I was in need of a specs with a minus power, like the fog clogging the path even on a sunny day, like the darkest night ever wasnt going to end, like fitting into an under sized footwear, like an over dumped closet with all the unwanted clothes. I was in a closed box, suffocating n struggling to find the door which seemed to be absent. We went over the subject over and over again, I agreed to the made "deal" though not with my heart but for his sake. N then when it got foggier, I thought of a thought, that would make this easy. Being the best of friends wouldnt hurt, would it? N by best I dont mean the cliche "best friends". My version was different (how? even I cant explain that!) I wanted to get used to the fact. I wanted to defy everything that was against my confidence. I would reduce things slowly, yes... but serving the purpose of not feeling odd around each other could be achieved.

The thought of getting over those days was scary. My mind was a lost desert, deprived of oasis, wandered along those beautiful streets we had spent time on. Leaving all that behind and moving on, keeping in mind "the deal" never kick started my journey, I was still hung up on the past. "Take your time" was all he said. But the time seemed to errupt the devilish thoughts, that were hybernating. I tried to contain everything and maintain that pressure but there was no going back, no amount of lullabys seemed to rock them back to sleep. Was I getting emotional? Darn, Yes I was! Was it the right thing to do? I dont know, it seemed right! This went on for days. I was fed up, and I mean literally fed up! The thought of loosing him......

Finally, I was being unresonable, this wasnt the way I wanted it to turn out! I put both my feet down..! Wat he thought of, was practical and totally right. I was in the "deal" for real! But does this mean I have to get over n give up all that I had put into this? ( n trust me..I had put in my heart n soul, n I actually realized it when I "had" to get over it n give it up.!) NO! Y should I give it all up? What I had done had given me imense happiness, what I learned, what I expressed, what I felt, what I did, n where I was was out of this world! Dont get me wrong, I still am in the "deal". But I dont want to give up on any of the feelings I went through, these 45days. It would just make me feel horrible, n let my mind wander away. If just that glimsp or just the thought of that moment made me happy, y get over it? Take in and absorb all the good elements and get so used to it that u dont want to get out of it..! I said "good"! N theres no doubt i mean not even one bit of confusion that those moments would make me smile! The joy i m gonna feel n live, cannot be expressed! So, here I go... I dont see hopelessness here. I m not gonna make myself misserable by trying to do the impossible! This obviously will stop any kind of "devil" form errupting, n the "deal" can be acheived..! Its just a win win situation! N being awesome friends will do wonders too and I dont have to give up anything! I like the feeling of like....!!!!!